I said I wanted to be honest in this blog. I want anyone who reads this to have the chance to really know me, even without actually knowing me.
In order to succeed in this task, I’m going to show off a shapshot of my life.
(actually, my teacher told us to post a picture and talk about it, but we’re gonna pretend it was all my idea.)
So, here’s the picture!
Before I even start, I have no clue who that boy in the bottom right corner or that girl in the top left corner are. I’m sure they’re wonderful people, but we’re gonna ignore them.
The people we’re focusing on are those two boys and that one tall girl on the top of the haystacks.
Those two boys would be my lovely cousins.
And that tall girl in the pink shirt, looking down with that hint of a smile?
That would be me.
I really haven’t changed much over the years. This picture was taken in October of 2011. Compare that to my little profile picture (which may or may not be the same one that’s there now, depending on when you read this post), which was only taken about a year ago.
But enough about me. My two cousins are the real reason I posted this picture.
If I thought they would ever read this blog, I wouldn’t say what I’m about to say. But I know they won’t, so I’ll speak my mind.
I love those two. So, so much. Sometimes, I feel closer to them than my own brother. That’s not saying much, but you know. It must say something.
The boy with the headphones is one year older than me, only a month apart from my brother. When we were little and I looked up to them, they never really treated me well. Of course we were kids, so them running away from me was to be expected. But when I was the only girl anywhere near our age in the family, it was hard. I always felt so alone and abandoned.
Then Christian came along. He doesn’t know this, but he actually ended up being the big game changer. When he was still a baby, before he could even walk, we were at my grandparents’ house. My older cousin had played a nasty trick on me, telling me that the shadows would eat me if I got too close, and my brother played along, laughing when I ran away.
I went inside fighting back tears. My grandma must have noticed, because she told me to entertain my little baby cousin for a bit. I didn’t really want to (it sounded rather boring), but I did it anyway.
My older cousin and brother came in later and asked me why I hadn’t come back to play with them. I told them I was perfectly content playing with my little cousin, and truth is, I was. My little cousin had won my heart, and that day, I vowed that I would never let him feel abandoned like I had.
I’ve kept my promise as best as I can. Every time the older boys have sent him away, I’ve been there to play, or at least to just hang out. I know sometimes he doesn’t want me. When he was younger especially, he didn’t care much for me. I am a girl, after all.
But I think he’s gotten to like me better as time has gone on. The day this picture was taken, we went to a pumpkin patch place that also had a corn maze and that haystack playground we’re standing on. My brother hadn’t come for some reason (I think it might have been the start of one of his narcissistic phases). I remember my older cousin hadn’t been that into it, but my little cousin was super excited, and that was enough for me.
We had a great time and managed to drag my older cousin into the majority of the activities. At the moment the picture was taken, I’m pretty sure I was thinking about how much I missed moments like that. My brother and older cousin were growing up, and the world would expect me to grow up soon enough myself.
It was a scary thought that couldn’t be ignored.
But that’s the thing about little cousins. They can easily make you forget the world you live in, and they always manage to turn you into a child again.
And in that moment, I was living out a new childhood, one where I was no longer abandoned. One where I was the elder, and I was choosing to love.